cleaning my room...

I hate cleaning my room. It is something i try very hard not to do.
People can say its cause i'm lazy but that's not it.
I don't like my room to be too clean. That's just how I am.
When my room is messy its when i feel the most comfortable and most at home.
My messy room in some ways reflects how i am on the inside. I am very much a mess.
I am emotional, always sick w/ something, and either my life is teetering toward a pit of darkness or my life is great. More so my life is teetering toward a pit of nothingness.
When my room is clean i feel like a fake, as if for some stupid reason i'm trying to prove to myself that my life is perfect like my room which it is not.
I don't want to be someone I am not.
I would rather live in the truth rather than live in a lie.